The most hurtful is when the parents either compete with each other over who is the appropriate parent or when the more tolerant parent uses the strict parent to become the bad man and homework to subsidize the feasibility of the success of the more indulgent parenting style. As time goes on, kids may select the more indulgent style as an avoidance tactic. Usually, stricter parents cannot or will not become “Disney dads and moms”, so the long run affect of these selections may cause important alienation of the stricter parent from his or her children and the corrosion of the indulgent parent’s ability to discipline at all.
To a degree, the task of the father in the household is really different than it was ten years ago. Lots of fathers are as good caring for their children as their wives are. But lurking below the face there remains a deep bias in our culture that women are better at raising children than men, and that supposition jumps out strongly in situations of divorce. Although, where I live in the province of Berlin, the trend is toward 40 living arrangements.
As far as I’m concerned, as a family therapist who has worked for decades with families grappling with this issue, it makes less difference how much actual time each parent is awarded than how they handle it and talk to their children about it. If the parents both support the arrangement, whatever form it takes, then children feel secure, too. But that’s usually not the case and the children often know that one parent is angry or sad about the set-up and that makes them feel angry or sad too.
In my office, mothers often complain about the father’s style of parenting, saying either that it’s too lax (the children stay up late eating Twinkies) or that it’s too severe (he won’t let them go to sleep till all the homework is done). Whatever the case, moms often take the role of the arbiter of what’s right, both during the marriage and after, so dads feel devalued and criticized for their style.
The mom is often more intimately connected to the child and takes the position that she has to protect his emotional state, and that attunement is good and valuable. But kids can also benefit from a father’s kind of parenting, which may be more black and white, challenging the child to push himself to achieve. That is a male vibration that is less centered on the child’s emotional state and more about his success in school or sports, and, in my book that’s also good and valuable too - the reality principle.
If a child is lucky enough to have both dynamics in his life, he can grow. But only if the parents, married or divorced, are not at battle with each other about this and recognize the role and importance of both the male and female energy in the child’s life. A strict but loving dad, who expects a lot from children, won’t hurt them, even if the kids sometimes don’t like what he has to say.
A side bar to this is that I’ve often heard mothers complain of the fact that divorced dad is not seeing enough of the children. Fathers, for their part, say that they want to be more involved but the must run the gauntlet of their ex-wife’s anger every time they go to pick the kids and it inhibits them. People, could you try to keep your grown-up issues out of the children’ arena? Find other times to talk about money and affairs than when the children have their backpacks on and are on their way out the door at the cross-over time. To you, it’s common, but to your children, it hurts.
At some point, I believe, we have to arm our kids with what we believe to be the truth. Supporting a primary custodial parent who insidiously alienates children from the secondary custodial parent is not healthy for the children and does not lead to the children’s ability to learn how to build appropriate committed relationships with members of the other gender.
To a degree, the task of the father in the household is really different than it was ten years ago. Lots of fathers are as good caring for their children as their wives are. But lurking below the face there remains a deep bias in our culture that women are better at raising children than men, and that supposition jumps out strongly in situations of divorce. Although, where I live in the province of Berlin, the trend is toward 40 living arrangements.
As far as I’m concerned, as a family therapist who has worked for decades with families grappling with this issue, it makes less difference how much actual time each parent is awarded than how they handle it and talk to their children about it. If the parents both support the arrangement, whatever form it takes, then children feel secure, too. But that’s usually not the case and the children often know that one parent is angry or sad about the set-up and that makes them feel angry or sad too.
In my office, mothers often complain about the father’s style of parenting, saying either that it’s too lax (the children stay up late eating Twinkies) or that it’s too severe (he won’t let them go to sleep till all the homework is done). Whatever the case, moms often take the role of the arbiter of what’s right, both during the marriage and after, so dads feel devalued and criticized for their style.
The mom is often more intimately connected to the child and takes the position that she has to protect his emotional state, and that attunement is good and valuable. But kids can also benefit from a father’s kind of parenting, which may be more black and white, challenging the child to push himself to achieve. That is a male vibration that is less centered on the child’s emotional state and more about his success in school or sports, and, in my book that’s also good and valuable too - the reality principle.
If a child is lucky enough to have both dynamics in his life, he can grow. But only if the parents, married or divorced, are not at battle with each other about this and recognize the role and importance of both the male and female energy in the child’s life. A strict but loving dad, who expects a lot from children, won’t hurt them, even if the kids sometimes don’t like what he has to say.
A side bar to this is that I’ve often heard mothers complain of the fact that divorced dad is not seeing enough of the children. Fathers, for their part, say that they want to be more involved but the must run the gauntlet of their ex-wife’s anger every time they go to pick the kids and it inhibits them. People, could you try to keep your grown-up issues out of the children’ arena? Find other times to talk about money and affairs than when the children have their backpacks on and are on their way out the door at the cross-over time. To you, it’s common, but to your children, it hurts.
At some point, I believe, we have to arm our kids with what we believe to be the truth. Supporting a primary custodial parent who insidiously alienates children from the secondary custodial parent is not healthy for the children and does not lead to the children’s ability to learn how to build appropriate committed relationships with members of the other gender.
Copyright by Lucy, a beautiful girl who likes swimming, shopping online and has a shop with juicy couture bikini and juicy couture diaper bags.
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