When I know the good intentions of a suggestion I think any separation is a chance to think about ourselves besides the relationship and another person. Ultimately, both parties can get a lot from the dissolution of the union.
Do you find yourself still painful or annoyed from a past relationship? Whether you’re “on the market” for a new companion or are already in a new love joint venture, when memories of an old love are triggered by everything from the corner sandwich store to a favourite CD, you may find that it’s troubling at best, and damaging at worst.
If the ghost of an old lover is haunting you, it’s essential that you take some steps to let go and move on. Why? Because one of the signposts of a healthy love relationship is a companion’s ability to be present and emotionally available. When you frequently obsess about an old wound, it can wreak havoc on your and your companion’s happiness. My research shows that negative emotions - regardless of their origin - are contagious. You may not intend to project the bad feelings meant for your ex onto your current relationship, but it happens anyway.
Here are five steps you can take to “exorcize your ex”:
Discard haunted objects.
Photos, old furniture, even a perfume he bought for you can actually restimulate old wounds and continue to remind you of negative emotions associated with your ex. Clean out your house, car, and office of all mementos and objects you associate with your former companion.
Purge your anger.
You may still have unresolved anger at your ex. That’s okay, but if you don’t deal with the residual anger constructively, you can’t let go of your past. Try writing a really honest and angry letter to that person and then throw it away. Or get inside your car where no one can hear or see you and yell at him or her at the top of your lungs until you’ve said absolutely everything you need to say and have gotten it all off your chest.
Don’t take the blame.
Regardless of why you broke up, don’t blame yourself. Instead, blame the relationship or situation. Removing the blame from yourself or your ex-helps you rebound more quickly from past hurts. It’s helpful to use language such as, “I/we were really young.” or “We did the best we could at the time.”
Don’t repeat the pattern.
Sometimes when we carry old wounds, we behave in the present as if that relationship or situation is still going on. Your companion may find him or herself in a relationship with “the old you” rather than the improved, evolved person you’ve become. Be in the present, examine your current relationships and situation, and change your behavior to fit the way things actually are right now.
Ask for help.
If you are really feeling distressed, angry, or upset, or if you feel as if the past is preventing you from moving on, I strongly encourage you to enlist the assistance of a counselor or therapist. Another person’s perspective can help you see clearly which behaviors and attitudes are remnants of your past.
Don’t let old emotions from a previous love relationship spook your present one. When you let go of past hurts, you will open yourself up to experience lots of fresh, new, optimistic feelings with a new love partner in your life.
I believe that self thought can replay our relationship and if we’re truthful we could see where we made errors, either hurting someone or permitting them running over us, losing our identity and place as an equal companion. Learning from what we might have done better to protect ourselves or not hurt others is vital and yes, as you write, there comes a point where we have to say “enough” and stop the self-inflicted wounds over the frustration, sorrow, hole in our hearts, bitterness, anger or rage.
Do you find yourself still painful or annoyed from a past relationship? Whether you’re “on the market” for a new companion or are already in a new love joint venture, when memories of an old love are triggered by everything from the corner sandwich store to a favourite CD, you may find that it’s troubling at best, and damaging at worst.
If the ghost of an old lover is haunting you, it’s essential that you take some steps to let go and move on. Why? Because one of the signposts of a healthy love relationship is a companion’s ability to be present and emotionally available. When you frequently obsess about an old wound, it can wreak havoc on your and your companion’s happiness. My research shows that negative emotions - regardless of their origin - are contagious. You may not intend to project the bad feelings meant for your ex onto your current relationship, but it happens anyway.
Here are five steps you can take to “exorcize your ex”:
Discard haunted objects.
Photos, old furniture, even a perfume he bought for you can actually restimulate old wounds and continue to remind you of negative emotions associated with your ex. Clean out your house, car, and office of all mementos and objects you associate with your former companion.
Purge your anger.
You may still have unresolved anger at your ex. That’s okay, but if you don’t deal with the residual anger constructively, you can’t let go of your past. Try writing a really honest and angry letter to that person and then throw it away. Or get inside your car where no one can hear or see you and yell at him or her at the top of your lungs until you’ve said absolutely everything you need to say and have gotten it all off your chest.
Don’t take the blame.
Regardless of why you broke up, don’t blame yourself. Instead, blame the relationship or situation. Removing the blame from yourself or your ex-helps you rebound more quickly from past hurts. It’s helpful to use language such as, “I/we were really young.” or “We did the best we could at the time.”
Don’t repeat the pattern.
Sometimes when we carry old wounds, we behave in the present as if that relationship or situation is still going on. Your companion may find him or herself in a relationship with “the old you” rather than the improved, evolved person you’ve become. Be in the present, examine your current relationships and situation, and change your behavior to fit the way things actually are right now.
Ask for help.
If you are really feeling distressed, angry, or upset, or if you feel as if the past is preventing you from moving on, I strongly encourage you to enlist the assistance of a counselor or therapist. Another person’s perspective can help you see clearly which behaviors and attitudes are remnants of your past.
Don’t let old emotions from a previous love relationship spook your present one. When you let go of past hurts, you will open yourself up to experience lots of fresh, new, optimistic feelings with a new love partner in your life.
I believe that self thought can replay our relationship and if we’re truthful we could see where we made errors, either hurting someone or permitting them running over us, losing our identity and place as an equal companion. Learning from what we might have done better to protect ourselves or not hurt others is vital and yes, as you write, there comes a point where we have to say “enough” and stop the self-inflicted wounds over the frustration, sorrow, hole in our hearts, bitterness, anger or rage.
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